Text Messages I Sent From The Road On My Tour Last Week

"I've just seen a dog! A black, fluffy dog. Small one. It likes trains."

"Lambs! In a field! It's all very countryside."

"Chewing gum on my shoe. Who drops chewing gum in the street?"

"Why don't hotels have bin-liners in the bathrooms? They do in the bedrooms but not in the bathrooms."

"Watermelon breakfast. Mmm."

"Watermelon mentos. Mmmmmmmmm."

"Lemon Yoghurt mentos. They taste of yoghurt! YOGHURT! Not so good."

"They should invent new surnames to replace the ones that are dying out. I suggest Skimdippet."

"Just had dinner with Derek Landy. Man who wrote Skulduggery Pleasant. Could that be a new surname? Double-barrelled."

"Hi, Joe Skimdippet here. How's things?"