It's a Book Thing

I'm making big effort to step up my reading rate. At the moment I'm acquiring books faster than I can read them, which means I'll never get a kindle because I'll always have my shelves of unread, real books to get through. I also worry about dying with much good material unread. So I'm setting aside more time for reading to try to catch up.

Reading more will obviously also inject my brain with knowledge, power, love and happiness. These are side-effects of enjoying a book. Other side-effects of spending more of my day reading include being instantly smarter, better looking and a far better writer. But hey, that's not the point - it's the enjoyment I do it for.

And doing it for the enjoyment means I have no problem 'giving up' on a book that isn't grabbing me. I don't like calling it 'giving up' because it has connotations of failure. I haven't failed - the book has. Time to give another book a chance. In this particular case the book that's failed is 'Super Sad True Love Story' by Gary Shteyngart.

It's just not interesting. I got through more than half of it but found the only reason I was carrying on was to try to learn some fiction-writing lessons from it. Here's why I put it down...

1. I don't care about the characters. This might be because they don't seem real, or it might be that they're just unlike-able schlobs and mindless dullards who deserve whatever comes to them. Or it's both. I don't care enough to work it out.

2. The book is meant to be a satire on modern life. It's set in the near future, where everybody is obsessed with the 'data streams' on their shiny phones while around them the economy is screwed and America in particular has descended into a political nightmare. And that's it. OK. I get it. You've got enough material there for a decent sketch or an amusing 1,000 word article. No more. It's not enough for a novel. Instead of being rich it's repetitive, instead of making you think, it hammers you over the head with clunking... clunkiness.

3. The book has some nice phrases in it. They don't tell the story, so they are in the way. They should have been cut.

Three reasons is enough.

So I've moved on. I try to alternate fiction and non-fiction, so my next reading adventure is THE QUEST by Daniel Yergin. I've put in capitals because it's a BIG and IMPORTANT book. So far it's also BRILLIANT and far more gripping than 'Super Sad True Love Story' in every way possible. Just reading the first couple of pages was refreshing. Suddenly I remembered what it was like to be in the hands of a dynamic storyteller. Not only is the subject matter fascinating (the global 'quest' for energy) but it's written with panache and efficiency. Nothing wasted. Everything tells the story. It doesn't read like non-fiction. It's a thriller which happens to be true.

It might take me a while to finish it because it's to HUGE, but it's also a pretty zippy read, so it might be sooner than I think. Either way, I'll meet you back here when I'm done to tell you about it.

The home page of my website will always tell you one book I'm currently reading, though usually at any one time I'm part-way through three books. From now on when I finish a book (or 'give up' on it) I'll blog about it. But from now on I'll try to be nicer.

Unavoidable Nutshelling

Back in 2009 I announced a new name for the period between Christmas and New Year's Day. My original name for it has been tweaked a little since then because it sounded a little rude, so now it's called the Interscotia (or if you want to be formal about these things, the Interscotial Period).

This year my Interscotia was as fun and festive as ever. I have an Interscotial birthday, which helps. I also avoided the Interscotial sales while not being too inconvenienced by Interscotial travel disruption.

But inventing the Interscotia is old news. Here's something new for you. It will disgust you, horrify you, perhaps even confuse you. But I can see this one's probably going to catch on a little more quickly than 'the Interscotia'. I can already hear it being used across the land in advertising agency offices, publishing houses, TV pitch meetings and anywhere else where inanity trumps creativity.

It is: 'nutshell' as a verb.

I could take ages explaining the whole thinking behind this, but let me nutshell it for you: it works.

And however much you hate it, I don't think you'll be able to avoid using it.

Michael Morpurgo's Interview Hijacked By Me

I've started hijacking other people's interviews. It's fun. For example, when they ask Michael Morpurgo questions in the Guardian, I shove his answers out of the way and slam my own in there instead. You can read his answers here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/dec/16/michael-morpurgo-childrens-author

You can read mine right here:

When were you happiest?
When I was a young father and teaching at a local primary school in Kent. OK, I stole Michael Morpurgo's answer for that one. It seems pretty good. Idyllic, even. I've never been a primary school teacher, nor a young father, nor have I ever lived in Kent. But I get the spirit of what he's saying and it sounds good. Sounds like I'd be happy too, and that there are probably equivalents in my life that make me happy. So, instead of 'a young father', put in 'a style icon'; instead of 'teaching at a local primary school in Kent' may I suggest 'making stuff up and putting it on twitter'. If in doubt, put me in front of a great meal and I'll be happy.

What is your greatest fear?
Bananas. Honestly. I have a phobia. Apart from that, I suppose my greatest fear is running out of time.

What is your earliest memory?
Being with my grandfather when my little sister was born.

What was your most embarrassing moment?
It's a long story, but it involves a men's toilet, an old man and me not looking where I was going. Probably 'nuff said, unless I meet you in person. Feel free to ask me and I'll tell you the whole thing.

What is your most treasured possession?
Tricky question. Perhaps my piano, or a pocket watch that belonged to my great-grandfather.

Where would you like to live?
North London is perfect for me, thanks.

What makes you unhappy?
Mediocrity rewarded or incompetence thriving. Other things that make me unhappy that I've learned not to let upset me: dark evenings during the winter, getting out of bed too early without good reason, cricket being interrupted by bad weather, Bob Dylan, religion, the BBC, Sondheim, poor customer service and a few other things.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
I look very different from the right than from the left.

Who would play you in the film of your life?
Ben Affleck.

What is your most unappealing habit?
Sleeping late.

What is your favourite smell?
Warm, wet labrador.

What is your favourite word?
I have a few: chthonic, boustrophedon, enormoussness...

What is your favourite book?
Bend Sinister, by Nabokov.

Is it better to give or to receive?
I get very embarrassed when I receive things. I'm also very fussy, so it's incredibly difficult to give me anything. And if you do manage to give me something I like, I feel awful and unworthy, even though I might be delighted with the gift. It seems that receiving is a skill I don't have in great amounts, so it's easier to give. But probably better to receive.

What do you owe your parents?
Everything. What a ridiculous question.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My wife, Mary-Ann.

What was the best kiss of your life?
Another weird question. If this interview were being done in person I'd scoff so hard the journalist would flee in embarrassment at asking such idiotic stuff.

What is the worst job you've done?
The only 'proper job' I've ever had was working in HMV for 3 months just after I left school. I hated it.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?
I'd choose Greek instead of German when I had the option, aged 13.

If you could go back in time, where would you go?
A few weeks, perhaps. At most, three or four years. Just long enough to make a killing at the bookies and on the stock market. I have no interest in living in any past era.

When did you last cry, and why?
During an episode of Game of Thrones, I think. I cry during most films and at great TV moments.

What is the closest you've come to death?
I electrocuted myself quite badly once. Genuinely thought I was done.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
It's yet to come.

What keeps you awake at night?
Any noise, especially ticking. Also, light. I can also keep myself awake by making plans or concocting new ideas and getting over-excited.

What song would you like played at your funeral?

'Smack Dab In The Middle', as performed by Ray Charles. Check it out:

If that video doesn't work, here's the link: http://youtu.be/yIRHwkRDWx0

Lit for Lads interview (about sandwiches)

There's a new interview with me over at the great blog http://www.literatureforlads.com/


I'm not great at interviews, as you'll see from this one. In it, I spout such stuff as: "Like all good dreams, these sandwiches are constantly shifting worlds of emotion and passion, an artful balance between the sweet and the sour, the salt and the spice."


There's a little bit about my books in there too, but you can tell I save the real passion for the sandwiches.


Fortunately, they were also kind enough to do a great review of Jimmy Coates: Killer.


It's all very flattering, so I'm spending the rest of the day reading it over and over again until I've learned it by heart. So far my favourite line is: 


With the relentless pace and inventive plot twists you will be totally gripped by this novel.

Call That A Leaf?

Do you all already read the blog of the excellent John Finnemore? I hope you do. You should. In any case, he just found a really big leaf and it reminded me of an even bigger leaf that once became attached to my head. Witness John's fine leaf here:

http://johnfinnemore.blogspot.com/2011/11/interlude.html

And then behold this freak of nature:

That's not even my face. It's how the plant grew.

How To End A Story, How To Rant On Facebook

A friend of mine is a teacher (I'm not showing off, that's not the end of the sentence. READ ON YOU FOOL) and she just got in touch through facebook to ask me:

"Do you have any ideas about activities I could do with my Year 13s to help them think about how to end a story?"

She's a teacher. Did I mention that? Cool, right?

Anyway, while I didn't really have any practical ideas to help her, I did have a little rant about story endings. Here it is in its entirety, as I typed it. Yes, this is how I type messages on facebook, including all the random capitalisations and exclamations.

I said:

PICK MY BRAINS! OK. I'll not write my new book for the next few minutes, I'll give myself entirely to YOU.

The way I look at it, the ending of a story MUST be planned out before you start. Great director Alexander Mackendrick (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0533241/) said: "If you've got a beginning, but don't yet have an end, then you're mistaken. You don't have the right beginning."

So being stuck on your ending just means you haven't planned things out properly or you haven't written the beginning and the middle properly.

The trick is to START WITH THE ENDING. You need to do a session on story structure - ACTS. Do it like a mountain range.

Or watch this video and translate it into whatever you like:
http://youtu.be/oP3c1h8v2ZQ

Once you're comfortable with the concept of a story being a series of UPS and DOWNS on that graph (or mountain range, or roller coaster or whatever) then an ENDING must be the final UP or DOWN. It's the completion or final failure of the task that originated at the BEGINNING. (That's why the beginning is so important to your ending. The ending is contained within everything implied by the beginning.)

Whatever desire or need drives the story is fulfilled or finally dashed at the end. If anyone is struggling with their ending, it's usually because there isn't a strong enough desire or need driving their story. This is a problem with their story, their character, their entire world and everything they've written.

You need to picture everything about your ending at every point that you're writing the rest of your story. To be honest, it's what keeps me writing: the desperate fear that I might DIE before reaching the point where I write the ending that's living in my head and in my plans.

The magnitude of that final UP or DOWN of the ending must be bigger than any of the UPS or DOWNS along the way (the act climaxes).

There are also clever endings: the character fulfils his need/desire in stunning fashion (a big UP) but at the same time realises that wasn't what he was really after all along, he really wanted something else (to find hinmself, to reconcile with his mother, whatever). That's called an IRONIC ending (in the trade).

I suggest you get a short story they can read the entirety of pretty quickly (maybe LIFTERS? Hahahahahahaha advertising my own books in my facebook rants - EXCELLENT!) and get them comfortable with charting the ups & downs of a character's fortunes.

*****SPOILERS HERE***** So don't read the next paragraph if you don't want to know what happens at the end of LIFTERS *****

At the end of LIFTERS, for example, Adaq achieves what he thought his desire was at the beginning of the story - he now has the means to forget his life of crime and start a new life on his own two feet. But it's come at a price. He no longer has his sister - perhaps what he really wanted, deep down, was to fix that relationship. He is also less sure about his own identity than he was at the start - maybe finding his own identity was really what he wanted all along, not money or independence.

*****OK YOU CAN CARRY ON READING NOW - BUT WHY HAVEN'T YOU READ LIFTERS YET?*****

So is it an UP ending or a DOWN ending? I don't know, but it's a GOOD ending. Superficially it should be an UP, but it feels more like a DOWN.

Get them to think up ENDINGS that are either big UPS, big DOWNS or something more complicated. Then you can work backwards to plan out the rest of the story.

And now I will just finish. A surprise ending.

QUESTIONS FROM THE FLOOR PLEASE.

Newcastle This Sunday: Come See Me Have a Breakdown, Live on Stage. Possibly.

Ever been to a GALA WEEKEND? I'm not sure that I have, but I'm booked to appear at one this Sunday.

I'll be at the Northern Children's Book Festival in Newcastle, doing a couple of events and a couple of signings. Check out the JOE CRAIG EVENTS here.

I usually have a lot of fun at book festivals. The audiences can be a real mixture of all sorts: kids who've read my books, kids who haven't, adults who are only there to sit next to their kids, adults who are there for the event on their own or with friends. I like that mixture, but it's definitely harder to put in a performance that appeals to everybody in that audience - a huge range of ages and reasons for being there. It's particularly tricky to get the humour right.

My way of dealing with this is to make every festival appearance even more spontaneous than my usual events. My events in schools are pretty spontaneous anyway, relying heavily on improvisation and contributions from the audience, but I have a handful of basic formats that I can fall back on. That's partly because when I'm doing an event in a school I'm not just there to entertain, I want to be of at least a little educational value - by the end, I want the audience to have some real tools they can use to write stories or come up with ideas.

At a festival, I'm there to entertain. Funny or moving or interesting or SOMETHING that makes it worth all these people having got out of bed, left their homes and schlepped out to sit and watch me for an hour.

So instead of preparing a formatted routine, I take a couple of minutes right before I start. If I can, I like to watch the audience coming in. I don't really know why, but I suppose it makes it more real. It's as if I'm telling myself, "These are the people who've come to see you, Joe. What are you going to do to make their day brilliant?" Then I just launch into it - something. It's a lot more exciting when I don't know what it's going to be, but as long as the energy is there, it seems to work.

If I'm buzzing and manic and slightly terrified and exciting and in suspense about what's going to happen next and ready to laugh at tiny things that go wrong and become huge things... it must be a weird experience for the audience.

But hopefully good-weird.

Come along on Sunday and find out.

A Landmark

I made a little video last night to mark the occasion of my facebook fanpage going past 5,000 fans.

If all goes well you should find it in the little box just beneath this clump of writing. It's about 8 minutes long, so probably best to make yourself a cuppa before embarking on it. Also, the pace slackens off in the middle bit so you have to slog through that to reach the song at the end. Yes, really, there's a song at the end. Sort of. There are some finger puppets in there too, so, y'know, enjoy those.

I'm not really very good with finger puppets. You'd think that a person who plays the piano would have better control of the fine movements of his puppeted fingers, but actually, on me, finger puppets tend to look like they're suffering some kind of physical breakdown and rigor mortis at the same time. But in this case maybe that's a good thing, because these particular finger puppets are of Jedward. If you don't know what Jedward is, for the sake of all that's merciful and good in the world please don't google it. Just be happy not knowing.

The other thing about this video is that at the beginning my voice is about half an octave higher than it usually is. "Hello!" I squeak. After a few seconds I settle into a more natural rhythm, but once you've started at that high pitch you can't just suddenly revert to your normal voice or it'll sound weird. So I sort of gently glide down to my more comfortable range across the 8 minute stretch of the video.

And none of that is information you needed, but it might add to your enjoyment of the 8 minutes of your life that follows.

Oh, and I should also add: a huge thank you to my 5,000 supporters on facebook for being excellent people of noble heart and massive brain. You all rock. Now go find me 5,000 more so I can make another video and do it properly...