I was back at East Harptree yesterday for the third of my visits in the 'Extended Programme' as part of the Bath Literary Festival.
Now I've given the pupils there all my secrets. They have nothing more to learn and are ready to go off into the world and become best-selling novelists. In fact, I was lucky enough to witness them all coming up with a story together, going round in a circle saying three words each.
Here's their masterpiece:
A pig got on the train and met a Naboo fighter pilot who got shot in the chest and died because he was watching Spiderman for silly reasons. He ate a little brother who screamed and yelled right after eating food. The end.
It was Lucy's birthday and there was a pet python in her cake. It killed her. He went to Mars and went to a pub and got drunk, ate someone whole, who was Spiderman.
Clocks are ticking. He needs to think fast because he would swim if he drowned but if Lesley poked me I can die. How lovely is that can of Heinz Baked Beans with Coke? I like Coke.
Obviously that's only a first draft, but it's epic, it's poet and it's a thriller. I'm glad my secrets of story-telling were put to good use.
Thanks for the entertainment, East Harptree. Watch out for those poisoned peas and the pigs with wheels instead of legs.