If Years 5 and 6 at Kerem School are anything to go by, there are plenty of great stories out there waiting to be told. Here are the two stories we came up with today combined into one epic:
Tim the Massive Sumo Wrestler was about to start his fight against Tam-Tam in the Great Sumo Championship, when he was suddenly distracted by a great looking sandwich. He pounced on it, accidentally killing Tam-Tam in the process. Then the mafia smacked him on the back of the head with with a frying pan because he owed them thirty thousand pounds. His vision went blurry, and he passed out.
He woke up in hospital, where he fell in love with a beautiful nurse. Unfortunately, the nurse turned out to be a mafia hitman in disguise, who had kidnapped his mother, and was holding her for ransom.
Tim didn't panic. He turned on the TV to watch the football, as he always did when he needed to think. But just then, the ceiling collapsed! It was an Earthquake! Oh no! Rubble landed all around him - and then a massive piece of plaster crushed his leg. It was broken, for sure.
Would he ever be able to rescue his mother, or raise enough money to pay back the mafia? Would he ever forgive himself for accidentally killing Tam-Tam, his greatly respected Sumo colleague?
The only way to stop the Earthquake was to trek to the Great Volcano, and find the big red button that would turn off the Earthquake. Tim the Massive Sumo Wrestler escaped from the hospital and started making his way to the Great Volcano. On his way, Sven Goran Eriksson stopped him and begged him to play for England in the World Cup Final. He thought about for a minute, then agreed to play. He was, after all, quite good at football.
To cut a long story short, he played in the final and England won! In fact, they won so convincingly that Fifa decided to award every World Cup for the rest of eternity to England. Tim was quite pleased with this.
He had won the admiration of every football fan in the World. With the money he won he was able to pay off the mafia. But even better, he bought himself a money tree that never ran out of money. And every few weeks his money turned into chocolate.
Everything was looking pretty good for Tim the Massive Sumo Wrestler, except for the Earthquake which was still going on (and probably contributed to England's victory in the World Cup). But then - oh no! - a dinosaur appeared and stole the World Cup.
The other footballers begged Tim the Massive Sumo Wrestler to go after the dinosaur to rescue the World Cup, but only because they'd mistaken him for his own brother, Jim, a famous secret agent. Tim had always been jealous of Jim's fame, but now was his chance to prove himself. He chased the dinosaur (with the help of the mafia, who were now very much on his side) and wrestled the giant beast to the ground. He did it so well that the Great Sumo Wrestling Championship awarded him first prize. But the orld Cup was nowhere to be seen! The dinosaur had hidden it - inside the Great Volcano!
Tim the Massive Sumo Wrestler dressed up as a dinosaur and abseiled down into the belly of the Great Volcano. He found the World Cup, but the dinosaur had recovered from their wrestle, and took Tim by surprise. The dinosaur devoured Tim in one huge bite, leaving poor Tim trapped, alive, inside a dinosaur belly. Fortunately, he had enough chocolate on him to melt it between the rolls of fat in his belly, and grease the walls of the dinosaur's intestines so that he could squeeze his way out. Just as his head emerged from the backside of the dinosaur, Tim saw the big red button that would stop the Earthquake. He mashed it with his fat, chocolate-smeared hand.
But the button didn't work.
What happened to Tim the Massive Sumo Wrestler next is unclear. Some say that he died from eating a poisonous plant given to him as a gift by the mafia, who for some reason still wanted him dead. Some say he survived the poisoning only to discover that his own mother was also part of the mafia. He was so upset that he went on a massive binge and spent all his money on food.
Some say he fell in love with the dinosaur and together they opened a lipstick shop, which they dedicated to the memory of Tam-Tam.
Whatever happened, one thing's for sure: England will always, always, win the World Cup.
And that's a true story.