Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Michael Morpurgo's Interview Hijacked By Me

I've started hijacking other people's interviews. It's fun. For example, when they ask Michael Morpurgo questions in the Guardian, I shove his answers out of the way and slam my own in there instead. You can read his answers here:

You can read mine right here:

When were you happiest?

When I was a young father and teaching at a local primary school in Kent. OK, I stole Michael Morpurgo's answer for that one. It seems pretty good. Idyllic, even. I've never been a primary school teacher, nor a young father, nor have I ever lived in Kent. But I get the spirit of what he's saying and it sounds good. Sounds like I'd be happy too, and that there are probably equivalents in my life that make me happy. So, instead of 'a young father', put in 'a style icon'; instead of 'teaching at a local primary school in Kent' may I suggest 'making stuff up and putting it on twitter'. If in doubt, put me in front of a great meal and I'll be happy.

What is your greatest fear?

Bananas. Honestly. I have a phobia. Apart from that, I suppose my greatest fear is running out of time.

What is your earliest memory?
Being with my grandfather when my little sister was born.

What was your most embarrassing moment?

It's a long story, but it involves a men's toilet, an old man and me not looking where I was going. Probably 'nuff said, unless I meet you in person. Feel free to ask me and I'll tell you the whole thing.

What is your most treasured possession?

Tricky question. Perhaps my piano, or a pocket watch that belonged to my great-grandfather.

Where would you like to live?
North London is perfect for me, thanks.

What makes you unhappy?

Mediocrity rewarded or incompetence thriving. Other things that make me unhappy that I've learned not to let upset me: dark evenings during the winter, getting out of bed too early without good reason, cricket being interrupted by bad weather, Bob Dylan, religion, the BBC, Sondheim, poor customer service and a few other things.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

I look very different from the right than from the left.

Who would play you in the film of your life?

Ben Affleck.

What is your most unappealing habit?

Sleeping late.

What is your favourite smell?

Warm, wet labrador.

What is your favourite word?

I have a few: chthonic, boustrophedon, enormoussness...

What is your favourite book?

Bend Sinister, by Nabokov.

Is it better to give or to receive?

I get very embarrassed when I receive things. I'm also very fussy, so it's incredibly difficult to give me anything. And if you do manage to give me something I like, I feel awful and unworthy, even though I might be delighted with the gift. It seems that receiving is a skill I don't have in great amounts, so it's easier to give. But probably better to receive.

What do you owe your parents?

Everything. What a ridiculous question.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

My wife, Mary-Ann.

What was the best kiss of your life?

Another weird question. If this interview were being done in person I'd scoff so hard the journalist would flee in embarrassment at asking such idiotic stuff.

What is the worst job you've done?

The only 'proper job' I've ever had was working in HMV for 3 months just after I left school. I hated it.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?

I'd choose Greek instead of German when I had the option, aged 13.

If you could go back in time, where would you go?

A few weeks, perhaps. At most, three or four years. Just long enough to make a killing at the bookies and on the stock market. I have no interest in living in any past era.

When did you last cry, and why?

During an episode of Game of Thrones, I think. I cry during most films and at great TV moments.

What is the closest you've come to death?

I electrocuted myself quite badly once. Genuinely thought I was done.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

It's yet to come.

What keeps you awake at night?

Any noise, especially ticking. Also, light. I can also keep myself awake by making plans or concocting new ideas and getting over-excited.

What song would you like played at your funeral?
'Smack Dab In The Middle', as performed by Ray Charles. Check it out:

If that video doesn't work, here's the link:

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