Tuesday, December 01, 2009

And Before You Know It, It's The Interscrotia

A friend of mine shared with me some axioms she tries to live by. So I shared some of mine back. That's how sharing works.

Wanna see some? Here's a small selection of 'Joe Craig's Axioms'. I didn't make all of these up myself; some are quotations, some have been collected from various places, others learned through hard experience...

- Never sit on a staple gun
- Never play cards with a man called 'doc'
- Never play leapfrog with a unicorn
- Never get off a bus at the bottom of a hill
- Never eat an apple on a coach
- Always carry a golf ball
- Never eat a tomato with a fork
- Never fight a war in a kilt
- Never try to peel a squash
- Never invade a country that has a name ending in '-an'
- Never draw to an inside straight
- Never give a sucker a flexible straw
- Never give a woman any gift that she can't wear in the evening
- Never bet on anything that talks
- Never wrestle with a chimney sweep
- Never date a woman who has no shadow
- Never move to a country that has green in its flag
- Never buy a muffin on a ferry
- Never walk a dog that's larger than you
- If you're seasick, sit under a tree
- Never put out a camp-fire with your face
- Never engage in a land war in Asia
- Never play 13, 31 and the corners thereof for any serious amount of money for any serious amount of time. It doesn't work
- Never trust a naked bus driver
- Never give up an oil concession
- Never crumble your bread or roll in your soup

By the way, it feels wrong that the plural of 'axiom' is 'axioms'. How about 'axioma'? Joe Craig's Axioma... I like that better.

Oh, and while I'm here, an announcement: I'm sure, like me, you've been troubled for years by how to refer to the days between Christmas and New Year's Eve. And before you say it, no, just calling them 'The Days Between Christmas and New Year's Eve' is not good enough.

So I 've come up with a solution. From now on I will be referring to those days as The Interscrotial Days. Or, for something even more elegant, The Interscrotia.

'What are your plans for Christmas?'
'We'll be at Mum & Dad's for Christmas Day as usual, but then we're off to Uncle Faisle's for the Interscrotia this year, and back in town for New Year's Eve.'

Got that? Good. And doesn't Uncle Faisle sound like fun? Gosh, the things he gets up to during the Interscrotia...


MG said...

Hmmm, good, but sounds rude. Maybe this is another use to which 'Festivus' can be put? Mind you it migth offend Festivus purists.

Jeni said...

"- Never invade a country that has a name ending in '-an'"

Sounds like America is ripe for the taking.

Although I am curious as to the ones learned through hard experience. Particularly if you always carry a gold ball (I thought it was a towel?).

Joe said...

Yes, a few other people have also suggested that 'Interscrotia' sounds too rude. Then I suggested Canesalia. Apparently anything ending in '-alia' is also too rude.
So I suggest 'Canesti' instead. I'm going down a whole Latin thing here. Canes being Latin for dog.

Jeni: I think if I were to reveal which were learned through hard experience I would spoil all the twists in my autobiography, to be published sometime in 2073.

John Finnemore said...

I literally read this list whilst eating a bowl of soup, into which I had crumbled bread. Imagine how foolish I felt by the end. What with that Asian land-war I'm embroiled in.

Joe said...

I hope you didn't try to roll in your soup as well, John. That would be hard to forgive. The rest we can let pass.